LaMeta

“What are you thinking about?”

Truth is, I didn’t have the voice to say “our wedding.” You know, the one we talked about. The one that went from being an “if” to a “when.” Now, well now it’s an afterthought. Too clearly do I remember jokingly picking out the song to our first dance. In between jokes we picked out “the one.” I don’t think we ever decided.

Truth is, you asked but I’m not sure you wanted an answer. You wanted an answer less than you wanted me to feel like you cared. Cared less of any words that were left unsaid. And even less of the words that used to be present but now are said in past tense.

Truth is, I continue to envy you. The way you can look me in the eye with no hurt and tell me you’re past it all, leaving me in it. I know it’s not fair to say, but it’s not fair to me either. I hold back in silence because I do not feel entitled to have feelings over a matter I created. I can’t heal everything in silence. But for that, I need everything silent.

Truth is, I wasn’t ready to say them either.

Nothing, I was thinking about nothing.